A shame

I have realized that there are very few things that I allow to get the best of me so to speak.  I can usually pick myself up from the bouts of depression or self doubt and brush myself off and get things done.  But there are somethings that no matter how much I want them, dream them, set a goal or a time frame...they just don't work out.  There is no amount of willing it to happen, praying for it to happen or being more stubborn than the issue.  What is a shame is once I do let go of that "illusive" goal...I am done.  There is no hope left. I think I have to do that because if not it will consume me and thus become the very essence of my existence.

I have found that at this time I am coming to that impass at one area of my life.  Something that I have wanted for a very long time is just not happening and is never going to happen....I think that the sooner that I put it to bed so to speak the better it will be on my mental structure.  I have let it encompass me for too long and it is not in the cards.  I have to resign myself to the fact that this is what life (at least this area of it) is and is going to be.  The dream has turned to painful to keep chasing.

So I wonder how this will change my outlook on life in itself??  Has this enbedded itself into the very core of me so that no matter how much I let it go it will always be there??  I am starting to think that that is just something that is going to have to be gotten used.  Because even though I have let it go doesn't mean it will let me go.

It has been a while since I have sat down and wrote but things are starting to pile up and might I say I think I am about to break.  Don't get me wrong...there are positives in my life.  My kids are healthy, we are a family, we have blessings that some can not say they have like food, water, animals, "toys" that keep us occupied.  Things to be thankful for.  But there are some things that no matter how hard one tries just can't seem to stay in place.  It is like we are lacking the glue of life so to speak.  I guess you can say that this is a season of my depression returning.  I have been happily un-medicated for almost a year and have been doing good under even the worst circumstances of late.  But I guess I pushed it too far and now am at a crossroads...medicate again or try to kick this in the ass? It takes a toll on those around me because I can't be the person that I am needed to be.  The one who holds shit together, the one that figures out "what next", the one that keeps smiling and makes sure that no one worries too much beyond their breaking points. So how do I keep doing that when I am beyond my breaking point?

Man life can be a bitch.  This is a jumbled mess of thoughts but it is 3 am and if I didn't write I think I would have exploded.  

A Time To Speak

    
So it is already almost the end of April.  I am 1 day away from having a official teenager, as Logan turns 13 tomorrow.  Where has time gone?  It seems like only yesterday he was born 4 weeks early weighing 6 pounds 7 oz and needing preemie clothes...*sigh* now he is a young man. :/ I am proud and yet sad all at the same time.  

2012 was supposed to be a better year than last year.  Well that hasn't happened so far.  Ken has had many health issues, our new car is no more, and it seems that our life is upside down.  But this last week I discovered something. That through everything we can still smile and we do still know that no matter what, we have the best thing of all (if I may quote a song for a moment)...."We got our health, we got our friends (and fam) and we have a bottle full of Jameson." Life is always going to be a series of trials and speed bumps.  There are going to be those days, those months, that you really wonder why you even bother to get outta bed.  Then you remember those times that made you smile, those laughs, those moments that take your breath away and that is when you realize that is why you got outta bed...in hopes for more moments just like that.

This last week we had a lot of those moments.  We shared some of the most amazing times with good friends, fam and bunch of crazy drunk people at 2 amazing concerts. The first concert here in the Fort was chill and rockin and all out fun. We reconnected with a great friend that we had lost contact with (Hi Lizzie), we got to share the show with our Cuzo Javon, who can always manage to brighten a room,  met a great group of guys called No Bueno and of course our great friends/fam The Bastard Suns! They rocked the fuckin house! Fort Collins showed up ready to party and party we did.  This was their first visit here and the turn out was amazing! The rest of the night and the next day was a rowdy good time of laughs, drinkin, and memories. Clay, JayTea, Levon, Kevin, Bobby, I don't think I have laughed so much or have been able to just have fun like that in a LONG time! My ribs still hurt! It was an honor to show you guys some of our spots here (I know you all love Fuzzy's :) ) and make your day off relaxing and hopefully a good time.  :)  The kids were so happy to finally get to meet the guys after hearing all the stories.  They now have "uncles" that they know have their back too.  My kids have lost a lot of family in their life and have been proved once again, that blood is not always what family is about.

Then came 4/20 in Denver.  Again a Bastards concert! This one was off the hook crazy!!  What would one expect on 4/20 right?! There was the mosh pit from Hell....I lasted a good while then realized I was WAY outta my league and went to the side stage...LOL, there was every song that I love and when you leave show sweating and sore you know it was EPIC! The only bad thing about the night was saying good bye.  I hate goodbyes, so it was more of a "til next time".  ;)

And now it is back to reality....but I know that I can face anything with good friends, family, my kids and Ken. Ken and I have been to hell and back together and yet here we are coming up on a 5yr anniversary of being a family.  I would not trade him for the world.  No one else gets me the way he does, accepts me the way he does or loves me the way he does.  It is not all rainbows and sunshine but no ones life is. But no matter what, we have each others backs and we will always know that we can take on the world together.  He makes me a better person, a stronger person and a happier person. He gave me the honor of being a step-mother to an amazing little girl that brings so much light to my life that words can not express. With out him I would be a ship lost at sea. 

Here is where I would add some great pics from the concerts but alas I dropped my phone in the mosh pit and the SD card popped out and  I lost everything stored on my phone.  So I am sorry but the images will remain in my mind and only able to be shared through my words above.

So to my kids...I love you to the moon and back.  Ken...I love you more than words can ever do justice to, you are my heart. To my "fam" my love goes with you wherever you are, wherever your travels take you. I am never more than a phone call away.  So for now this is my blog.  This is my thoughts.  This is me. 

<3 Me 

 

Ramblings at 3 am

An Ode to Days Gone By

I remember the days

Although they linger in a haze

When a drink turned to a song

Where did things go wrong?

A smile, a gaze

Would set our hearts a blaze.

Now our looks are void and glazed.

Words of lyric turned to hate

That nothing can abate.

The love, the smiles, the tender lullabies

Whispers of days gone by.

When did your soul fill with hate?

For you, for love, for all that could be great?

Your cold and dark where joy and fun used to lark

A shadow has emerged from the dark

To engulf and leave it's mark.

Not only on you but on your heart.

Fight it my love and make your start

Among the ruining and the dark

Love is there ready to embark.

2012

2011 was a pretty shitty year. Aside from having gotten my job, everything else was pretty shitty. Kens health issues was/is the most worrisome (The first week of 2012 finds him in surgery) CPS was the stupidest shitty thing (We fought the law and WE won). Crystal keeping Ke'ala away from us for 4 months and that whole court drama was the saddest and most draining shitty thing (So glad that situation has gotten a million times better now). John and taking me back to court over taxes and then to deplete his child support was the most ridiculous shitty thing (That will never change). So I am left to sit here and reflect on my hopes and dreams for 2012.

I have not been shy about telling anyone that will listen that this is going to be a wonderful year. Amazing things are going to happen in 2012. In what capacity? I don’t know…I am not God, Buddha or the Universe. But I do know that SOMETHING is going to happen and it will be life changing in a good way. There are so many avenues in which greatness could prevail. I will leave that in the capable hands of the powers that be.

So the first week of the New Year really has not lived up to my vision so far...but I am hoping that this just means that all the bad is getting itself out of the way and making way for wonderful things. Lets see New Years Eve was not the best night...aside from doing shots with our friends that are over 1300 miles away (via telephone but it still rocked \nn/).

Now the car has broken down even though we have only had it for 6 months and the issues are not covered under warranty that was supposed to be so grand and amazing. Ken has to have surgery tomorrow and is still having stomach issues that doctors are being idiots about. All electronics are seeming to hate me at this point and are holding a mutiny. I have to ask...have I put too much stock in a year? Maybe I should say this year is going to be a year....a clean slate and we will make it what it is?? I have reflected on this and I think that when I put too much into anything..fantasying about things, or situations...it never comes to fruition.

So this me saying...2012 and is going to be a new year. Of new opportunities, of new adventures, of new situations. The good ones we will rejoice, the bad will help us grow and the mediocre will help us to appreciate the "down" time.

Here is to everyone reading this...cheers!