A shame

I have realized that there are very few things that I allow to get the best of me so to speak.  I can usually pick myself up from the bouts of depression or self doubt and brush myself off and get things done.  But there are somethings that no matter how much I want them, dream them, set a goal or a time frame...they just don't work out.  There is no amount of willing it to happen, praying for it to happen or being more stubborn than the issue.  What is a shame is once I do let go of that "illusive" goal...I am done.  There is no hope left. I think I have to do that because if not it will consume me and thus become the very essence of my existence.

I have found that at this time I am coming to that impass at one area of my life.  Something that I have wanted for a very long time is just not happening and is never going to happen....I think that the sooner that I put it to bed so to speak the better it will be on my mental structure.  I have let it encompass me for too long and it is not in the cards.  I have to resign myself to the fact that this is what life (at least this area of it) is and is going to be.  The dream has turned to painful to keep chasing.

So I wonder how this will change my outlook on life in itself??  Has this enbedded itself into the very core of me so that no matter how much I let it go it will always be there??  I am starting to think that that is just something that is going to have to be gotten used.  Because even though I have let it go doesn't mean it will let me go.

It has been a while since I have sat down and wrote but things are starting to pile up and might I say I think I am about to break.  Don't get me wrong...there are positives in my life.  My kids are healthy, we are a family, we have blessings that some can not say they have like food, water, animals, "toys" that keep us occupied.  Things to be thankful for.  But there are some things that no matter how hard one tries just can't seem to stay in place.  It is like we are lacking the glue of life so to speak.  I guess you can say that this is a season of my depression returning.  I have been happily un-medicated for almost a year and have been doing good under even the worst circumstances of late.  But I guess I pushed it too far and now am at a crossroads...medicate again or try to kick this in the ass? It takes a toll on those around me because I can't be the person that I am needed to be.  The one who holds shit together, the one that figures out "what next", the one that keeps smiling and makes sure that no one worries too much beyond their breaking points. So how do I keep doing that when I am beyond my breaking point?

Man life can be a bitch.  This is a jumbled mess of thoughts but it is 3 am and if I didn't write I think I would have exploded.